The Dreaded Wedding Dowry Question

Posted by Jan

May 6, 2008

Dowry is one of the biggest headaches for my wedding planning. Since Al and I decided to pay for the entire wedding ourselves (gifts and dowry included), we would like to know how much my parents would ask for so we can have a more realistic budget to work with. If they asked for a lot then we’d have to cut back some where else.

After Al had “officially” told my parents that we’re engaged, we set up a time for both parents to meet. Al’s parents are a bit more Westernized (in certain ways) and my parents are more traditional. Both Al and I had thought that the parents would know what to do during the meeting. However, the meeting ended up being a discussion of “Jan’s & Al’s bad habits” over dim sum (ie. How I don’t like drinking soup, which is a big no no in my family).

Al’s parents had stressed that they are going to let us run the show (which turned out to be not 100% true…) since we’re paying for the whole wedding ourselves. The parents also agreed that if they need anything, they will ask Al or I to take care of it (ie. if my parents have any requests for the groom’s family, they’ll tell me and I’ll relay the message). So instead of the parents working out the dowry themselves, I’m left with the task of asking my parents about it.

Gifts from the Groom’s Side

The first thing my parents did was think back to their own wedding, and other weddings they have been a part of such as our relatives, to see what the groom’s parents had sent as dowry. This annoyed me because you can’t just take what others got and demand that I get the same stuff. Times have changed. People came from different backgrounds. How can they say “Oh your cousin received this and this as part of the dowry for her wedding so we’ll request the same thing.” This just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for me. Regardless, I popped the question about the money first as this would be crucial for our wedding budget.

Dad: “Well, I don’t know if I should put out an amount for the bride’s price as it’d seem like I’m putting a price tag on my daughter.”

Jan: “If you don’t really care about the amount. If it’s just for tradition sakes. Then why don’t you leave it to the two of us to figure it out?”

*Pause*

Dad: “I bet you’re only going to put in $10! That isn’t right…we should fix an amount…”

Ok it might have sounded funny to you but after 15 minutes of this whole “price tag” conversation going in circles, I got pretty fed up talking to my dad. I understand where he is coming from and I agree with him. I really didn’t think people nowadays would ask for thousands or millions of dollars for bride’s price. I’ve heard people using lucky numbers such as $888 (the number in Chinese sounds like wealth/wealthiness) or $999 (the number nine in Chinese sounds like the word for meaning “lasting”, so multiple nines means “long lasting”). During our conversation, I jokingly told him that at one of the display in Science World where it calculates a person’s “value” based on his/her weight, I am worth a whooping $4.21. He didn’t find my comment very funny. At the end, he gave in and said Al and I can decide on MY dollar value. Lucky me…

Next on the list, the items. I’m not too familiar with the items which are “mandatory” for dowry and my parents aren’t sure either. Here’s what they came up with:

Mom: “Well, there’s a pair of Phoenix & Dragon Cake, dried fruits and nuts, tea (leaves), Double Happiness Cakes (usually by weight and comes in like a huge box), dried/preserved seafood and veggies such as shark fins, abalone, mushrooms…etc…oh and a pair of live chicken, fresh coconuts, fish, wine….”

I had to cut her off right there

Jan: “Live chicken?! Where the…do I get live chicken in Vancouver?! Can’t I just use the frozen one that has the head/feet intact? And coconuts, are you talking about the brown ones that we can get from Superstore (grocery store)?”

Mom: “I don’t know where to get the live chickens but it’s a -must- so you can tell Al’s mom to try and find it. And coconuts has to be fresh, like off the tree fresh, which hasn’t been cleaned…”

We debated about the live chickens for another 15 minutes before we move on to the number of cake certificates my mom would like to hand out for friends and relatives. This one is easy because we decided that we’ll get a certain number in Vancouver (for locals) and purchase some in Hong Kong for our relatives there (since I double they can use the Vancouver ones even if they are the same company). We didn’t setting down on a number yet because she said “she hasn’t given it much thought yet…”

Conclusion on the Dowry Situation

So after this little meeting with my parents, I talked to Al, and he told his parents (it was like playing telephone). His parents thinks mine are crazy for requesting live chickens and such. After some talking back and forth between Al and I, we decided to use red pocket to replace the items that are deemed “mandatory” but we have no access to and also use an “all purpose” or “catchall” red pocket in case we missed anything in the dowry. Red pocket (a.k.a. money) solves everything!

Visit Chinese Wedding Dowry Items List for more details on the items.